OnTheMissinterpretationsOfInformationOverheardInHallwaysAfterCurfew
by TheTransfiguredCanary
Summary: It was all a big misunderstanding. All of it. Except for the master bit... and clutching my left arm in pain... and the sneaking off in the middle of the night...but it's not what you think! I am not a death eater!
1. Chapter 1

On the Misinterpretations of Information Overheard in Hallways After Curfew

A/N: if that title didn't already staple it this is completely humor! It is absolutely ridiculous. Some of the characters may seem OOC… they are meant to be! Please don't complain to me about the bad humor… I don't write humor fic…

Also, please note, there is reference to bondage intercourse between two male characters...

Deal with it... if I get one complaint I will hulkify!

Enough about that,

ONWARDS!

* * *

Chapter 1

You know… It astounds me how much of an idiot Hermione can be… here I am, sitting in the court room chair listening to people shout back and forth about whether or not I'm innocent.

Whoa!

That jinx almost hit me! Bloody hell!

And all because Hermione was worried about me… honestly if she had just asked…

I'm sorry, you're probably very confused right now… I mean it confuses me when I think about it. Here, I'll start at the beginning.

* * *

I was walking down the hallway to the dungeons with a goofy grin. Today was our anniversary. Now I know he isn't really into all the mushy stuff that couples usually engage in. We have a very heavy dark relationship. Something filled with passion and 'free of frivolous public displays of affection or misty eyed maudlin'. A secret forbidden romance all about domination and touching. I wouldn't have it any other way though. He made me feel things I'd never felt before. Now for our anniversary I had planned to dispel one final fear. You see since out relations had started he insisted that after I had had my fill of him I would move on to a younger more exciting man who could keep up with me better then he could. It really surprised me just how insecure he was underneath all those layers. It took me a month just to get him to understand that I saw nothing wrong with his looks. So I had gotten a piece of evidence to express to him just how much he really meant to me. Just as always I stood in front of the hidden door and muttered the password and slipped into his personal quarters. There he was leaned over a large pile of papers quill scratching away at the poor first years confidence with a red sheen so like blood. I shuddered in anticipation and slowly snaked my arms around his neck. The sigh and release of tension I feel every time I do this always makes me feel so empowered. He turned his head and I stole a kiss with a smile. It was then that he grabbed my left arm. I hissed in pain and drew my arm to my chest rubbing the soreness lightly. He was frowning at me in confusion.

"What's wrong, did you strain your arm?" I smiled slyly and rolled up my sleeve. Showing off my latest addition I was confused to see him pale drastically before he clutched my arm closer to his face. After a few seconds he blinked a visibly sighed in total relief before he looked back up at me with a glare.

"That was decidedly a joke of bad taste Harry, for a second I thought…" I frowned in confusion.

"What joke? It's your initials, see?" I traced the two letters that were sensuously intertwined on my arm to emphasize the fact. He blanched again.

"Are you mad?! It's real!?" I frowned at his panic.

"Of course it's real! I wanted to give you something special!"

"You have to get that thing removed or covered up or something!"

"What!? Why?!"

"because, for one thing if it were discovered you had my initials plastered on your arm there would be inquires, I could lose my job, or my life, and for that matter so could you, as for the second, it looks very… incriminating." I stared at him in confusion.

"What the bloody hell are you taking about?" he stared at like I was mad.

"Wait you can't, oh for Merlin's sake come here!" he proceeded to drag me through his bedroom to the bathroom. There he twisted my arm to reveal the tattoo to the mirror and instructed me to squint even a fraction.

Then I saw it.

Because to anyone who didn't know what it was or didn't look at it closely

It looked like I had taken the Dark Mark.

* * *

And so it began, the series of events that led to this absolutely ridiculous day in a chair in a courtroom on level two of the Ministry of Magic listening to people debate whether or not I was a Death Eater, whether or not Dumbledore was plotting the end of the world, whether or not Severus Snape was a spy and why I owned a riding crop. It really comes down to a whole bunch of small but important things.

If Professor Merrifoot hadn't set Ron as my sparring partner

If I hadn't accidentally taken the wrong set of robes

If Mary Thorpkins hadn't made me catch the snitch with my left hand

If I hadn't craved a muffin

If Hermione hadn't started following me around at night

If I hadn't forgotten my invisibility cloak

If I hadn't tried to remove it myself

If I hadn't trusted Blaise Zabini

If I hadn't seen that bloody sign

If I hadn't fallen in love with my potions professor

It there hadn't been a war going

If I hadn't been bloody born!

None of this would have every happened…

But I digress it not entirely my fault. After all the reason I'm here is because Hermione was overly worried and Cornelius Fudge is a paranoid bastard. Still I'm sitting here, it's been going on for almost three hours now, in chains and they can't even decide whether I'm under arrest or not! They're too busy debating whether they should go arrest Dumbledore and Severus as well or if they could proceed meanwhile I'm sitting here wondering if this is at all legal. They certainly haven't been paying attention to me. Were it not for the chains I'd probably have walked out without any trouble.

"Potter! Please stand!" oh so they're starting then. Alright. "Are you Harry James Potter?"

"Yes sir."

"And you are here of your own mind?"

"ye… wait what? Are you… are you asking me if I'm under the Imperius curse?"

"Are you?"

"…what? Okay for one thing, if I were I wouldn't say yes! The main point is that I've been able to throw off the Imperius curse for three years now!"

"Oh, yes, right it's here in your file." This is already a joke.

"You are aware of what your charges are?"

"No sir, the charges weren't listed… is this legal?"

"You are charged with resisting arrest, blackmail,"

"What blackmail!?"

"Treachery,"

"Wait, what blackmail!"

"And being a Death Eater under the service of You-Know-Who."

"What blackmail!"

"We have evidence Mr. Potter, testimony from several witnesses. We also are debating a charge of torture via Cruciatus curse."

"WWWWHHHAAAATTT!"

"Why do you own that riding crop but for torture!"

"HOW DOES THAT AUTOMATICALLY CHARGE ME WITH USING THE CRUCIATUS CURSE!"

"Answer the question!"

"I have the right to remain silent." I've been saying that all day. Damn bureaucrats can't seem to remember my own rights, might as well parrot them back at their faces.

"The first report we got was a mysterious tip from a Mr. Z, he wished his identity to be unknown, saying you threatened to murder him if he did not provide you with a dangerous poison. He claimed you were attempting to poison Albus Dumbledore under the instruction of your quote on quote, Master. This was cast aside by wizamagot as ludicrous, but with this new information surfacing we've brought it forwards again."

"What! Poison! It wasn't a poison! It was a heavy-duty cover up! That's what the bastard told me anyway! I'm pretty sure it was itching powder… that stuff never washes off by the way, it took me a month to undo his dumb prank…"

"What made you think cover up would work on a Dark Mark? The Ministry has tested all sorts of ways one could conceal a Dark Mark and they failed. "

"Actually, it covered it up fine, it was the reaction I couldn't stand…"

* * *

Blaise Zambini was nothing if not a man of opportunity. He knew how to read a market and knew how to mold it to his design. In other words, He was a common Slytherin. And so when he noticed a subtle change in a certain celebrity's attitude he jumped on the chance to use this new Harry Potter to his advantage.

"Potter!" Blaise called out from the end of a dark hallway in the dungeons. Potter froze and turned to him jerkily.

"What do you want Zambini." Now Blaise thought he knew just what was happening here, with luck he was officially on the winning side. But he had to be sure.

"Well, I simply wanted to help an ally. I would hate for certain parties to hear you haven't been doing a good job keeping it hidden." Potter paled visibly and his eyes darted around worriedly.

"How did you find about it?" Blaise remained calm on the outside, knowing what happened when these kind of people got riled up but inside he was smirking.

"Oh Potter, there's no need to worry, I'm on your side after all." Potter visibly tensed. Perhaps the idea of being watched didn't fill him with comfort.

"Well… you promise not to tell anyone?" Blaise rolled his eyes. Honestly he really should stop recruiting Gryffindors.

"Not a soul Potter." Potter looked up and down the hallway then turned back to him.

"So you'll help me with it then?"

"Certainly Potter… what do you need help with."

"Isn't obvious, I need something to get rid of it." Potter murmured quietly

"Wait what?"

"Well it's not as if I can walk around with it bare. What if someone sees it, you must know it's… incriminating."

"Of course it's bloody incriminating Potter, what, did you think it was gonna look impressive and dangerous, gonna woo young Gryffindors with it?"

"Merlin how did I think this was a good idea… I've probably taken one too many curses to the head… or I need a new prescription." Potter took the offending glasses off and polished them.

"You can't just get rid of it Potter, cover it up maybe…"

"Anything will be fine until I figure something out… I'm sure HE and I can figure something out... I'll have to talk to HIM tonight at the meeting…" Potter muttered more to himself then Blaise.

Then it hit Blaise square in the face.

Potter and the Dark Lord were a team.

Maybe even equals!

Wow…

"Erm… well I think I know something… but… can I see it? You know, just to see it." Blaise asked with a touch of reverence. Harry rolled his eyes.

"What picking up bloody patterns, just a tip. Don't get a tattoo on your left arm… ever." Harry said as he rolled up his sleeve. Blaise's breath hitched as he took in the brand. Then he frowned. But he didn't make any inclination that he knew anything was wrong. It wasn't until Potter had rolled up his sleeve again and made some grumble about next week that Blaise stopped to think. There was something off about Potter's mark. It looked almost gnarled. Perhaps it was a special. Blaise shook his head and went about getting something to help Potter out.

* * *

"So you were in league with the man who left the tip! He must be a Death Eater as well!"

"No no! he's not a Death Eater… just a dark sympathizer… or a winning side sympathizer… he only really cares about whether or not he wins… pretty much he thought if I was on his side then he was winning and he offered to help me out" this fact is blatantly clear. Zambini wouldn't stick his head out of his shell unless he's sure that the nukes aren't falling "fat lot it did though…"

"What is that?"

"Isn't that obvious, it didn't hide the bloody thing just made it sore!" really this idiot shouldn't be up there, he has no common sense.

* * *

"So you're sure this will work?" Blaise rolled his eyes. Really Potter was pretty paranoid for a Gryffindor.

"I don't know if it'll work or not Potter, that's what I've been trying to explain to you this whole time… I mean… try it out but…" Blaise shrugged weakly.

"Alright, here's hoping… man I really didn't need this mess right now… I mean everyone is on my case…" Potter said with a noticeably tense posture.

"About what?" Blaise asked

"Are you crazy… they all want me to save them you know… they think I'm the only one that can off him…" Blaise blanched noticeably.

"Wait! You don't mean… Dumbledore?!"

"yeah… he's been really tough on me lately… keeping this hidden has been impossible… but I don't want to let anyone down you know… they're all counting on me… HE'S counting on me… I want to see him happy again… it's been so long… I've seen HIM happier… but not happy…" Blaise was getting more and more nauseous as this went on. Were potter and the Dark Lord lovers?! Blaise cleared his throat and stood.

"I gotta go Potter." To a loo and throw up Blaise thought. Potter nodded and stood extending his hand. Blaise took it and gave a quick shake. Potter smiled and turned away.

"Thanks again mate." He called back before he left the dark of the dungeons. When he left Blaise gagged into his mouth and flapped his arms widely.

"That is sick! I mean… man Potter you've got issues." Blaise muttered he retched and staggered in the direction of the common room.

* * *

"Wait… are you and the Dark Lord lovers?!"

"NO! GODS NO! MAN THAT IS SICK! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!" oh gods I'm gonna throw up… I mean the very idea is gross with the scales and the lack of hair and urp… I'm gonna be sick! Bucket! I need a bucket! Before I-

Ugh… too late.

* * *

A/N: and so it begins. the sorid tale of miss understanding and chaos all surmounting in the arrest and trial of harry potter...

this may seem like it's all over the place but their is some point to it all

I watched the deathly hallows part 2 a few days ago…

( as a side note Books watched it a few days previous and called Severus Harry's mum in front of her family… ha…)

When I watched it I accidentally watched THE MOST AWKWARD AND CREEPY HUG EVER WITNESSED IN THE WORLD!

*shudders*

Hold me… waaaaaAAAAHHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME CREEP! *flails about manically before holds self and rocks back and forth*

Anyways that is where my sick mind conjured up the idea of Blaise Zambini thinking that Harry is in a relationship with Voldemort while Harry thinks that Blaise thinks that he's in a relationship period…

Oh… and Blaise thinks that Harry has been tasked with killing Dumbledore… he's also only helping because he thinks Harry is a Death Eater…

Oh Harry… never get a tattoo… ever!

please review... you all asked for this after all ;)

-TheTranfiguredCanary


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

AN: I just want to explain some things. when we flash back to Harry's past he isn't explaining everything that happened word for word. He's leaving some things out, mostly to save Severus's ass (literally and figuratively(づ￣ ³￣)づ) so the courtroom is hearing a revised much more suspicious version of the tale. this explains why he's still there... also most of them think he's an idiot...

 _btw this is_ _thinking_

* * *

"Are you alright Potter?" I just spent the last minute reliving my stomach of the burden of crappy holding cell food and you are just sitting there. That's it! when this is all over I'm pulling a Voldemort and moving to Albania! I hear it's nice there! "Potter!"

"Yeah yeah I'm fine can we move on…" he staring at me harshly, like I'm some kind of pest… honestly, I'm chained to a chair, what am I gonna do? blink funny?

"What did you do after the incident with Mr. Z. many commented on your strange behavior after that. One action in particular, which was the source of much debate earlier this morning is an increase in trips down to the Hogwarts dungeons to speak with the potions master and known Death Eater Severus Tobias Snape, are these accusations true?"

"Yes… I was going down to see Professor Snape more frequently."

"Is it correct to say that he may have been the one to influence your decision to join the death eater ranks?"

"Oh for Merlin's sake for the last time I'm not-"

"We know of your denial mister Potter but the evidence is clearly on your arm. You can't deny the brand."

"If you just let me show you I can prove-"

"Enough! Moving on then… what is it you discussed with Professor Snape?"

"Mostly a way to get rid of it."

* * *

"It bloody hurts!" Harry remarked itching at the now inflamed arm that bore his dangerous tattoo.

"Don't touch it! If you do the rash could spread you fool… you're obviously allergic to one of the ingredients in the makeup that Zabini gave you if it was makeup at all." Severus drawled sarcastically. Harry threw his healthy arm up in indignation.

"Honestly I get it Sev! I messed up! I shouldn't have trusted Zabini! You could stop drilling me into the ground and try to help for a bloody change! Honestly, I don't know why I even came to you! You know I thought I could trust you! I mean I'd like just a bit of support! Is that too much to ask?! Honestly!" Severus watched this tirade with a humorous smirk and slowly withdrew a long thin object from his top drawer. As Harry took a breath to continue his rant Severus brought the object down on the desk with a sharp crack. Instantly Harry went rigid as a board. Severus tsked and walked forwards lightly tapping the whip on his thigh.

"Is that any way to talk to me?" Severus asked trailing the whip down Harry's rippling throat. "you may speak Harry."

"Master I… forgive me?" Harry begged with a mewl. Severus smiled devilishly.

"Oh no, you are in need of punishment. Your tongue has been much to wayward these past few days." Harry made not a sound even as Severus grasped his school tie and dragged him into the bedroom they had shared for many a heady night.

* * *

"Mr. Potter… are you… blushing?" oh bloody hell!

"Oh, a no sir I… I think I might be coming down with something…"

"Hmm well, can we continue?"

"Ye-"

"So the next testimony comes from one Abigail Michlen, head girl of Ravenclaw house. She remarks that you began spending a suspiciously large amount of time in the library. Whatever were you searching for so rabidly Potter? Perhaps you were trying to find someway to kill Dumbledore or even the minister for magic without being caught."

"No… no, I was looking for a way to fix my mistake. I was looking for a way to remove the dreadful thing."

* * *

Harry held his wand in his teeth as he rapidly flipped through book after book trying desperately to find some way to fix this mess. He rubbed his clothed arm with a wince and went back to the page.

"Potter." Harry made no move that he had heard the head girl over his shoulder. _Come on! Just a few minutes more._ "Potter the library's closing."

"Alright alright." Harry was very careful to slip the promising book into his book bag in between his Transfiguration textbook. As he left and the buzzer went off he showed his book bag, shrugging off the buzz as a mistake. With that, he hurried up to the common room.

"Where have you been-" Harry dashed passed Ron and Hermione on the couch and up to the dorm. "Harry." Hermione finished before the door slammed.

"What is up with Harry lately?" Seamus asked from the table by the window where he was playing a game of wizards chess with Dean.

"Yeah, there is definitely something up," Dean said worriedly. Hermione sighed and shook her head turning to the fire.

"I don't know, he won't talk anymore." Ron sat down beside her. She smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder as the pair worried about their friend.

* * *

"However did you keep it hidden for so long Potter? You live in a crowded dorm with several other boys." Well, they are Gryffindors.

"Good excuses."

"Hmm… well, continue, what did you do with the stolen library book?"

"I used one of the spells I found… sadly I didn't read the fine print… and that made my situation all the more terrible."

* * *

" _patconsiltemporaria, patconsiltemoraria, patconsiltemporaria."_ Harry waited for a few seconds, performing the motions as instructed, waving his wand slowly over his arm. After a minute Harry growled in frustration and threw the book away before burying his fingers in his hair.

"Why does everything happen to me." He asked the world. There was a melancholy silence for a few seconds.

Until the pain started.

 _Oh fuck_ Harry thought in total resign before he grunted when another short burst of pain laced through his arm.

 _Oh, shit shit shit!_ Harry almost cried out as the pain grew more intense. He slowly stood and donned his invisibility cloak. He made his way down to the common room and waited before he slipped out of the common room moving the portrait as little as possible. With that he was off moving as quickly as he could, having to stop several times to avoid the usual Hogwarts hazards as well as stopping from crying out in pain as he made his way down to the dungeon.

* * *

"Ah, so you were going to meet Severus Snape so that the pair of you could go to the death eater meeting."

"No! no, what had happened is…well, I was an idiot, I should have told Hermione before she got all suspicious and gotten her help. Knowing her she could have removed it with a wave of her wand… anyways the reason why it was hurting was that I had pronounced the spell wrong that and the spell was for **temporary** tattoos only… as I said before, fine print, it really gets me most days."

"Good gods harry… how could you not know what you were about to do was the most idiotic thing in the world! You should understand latin by now you imbicile!" Severus drawled as he held Harry's arm to inspect it.

"Just fix it! It feels like my arm is on fire!" Harry whimpered through his clenched teeth. Severus made a noise between a hum and a snort and disappeared from the room. as another blast of pain harry screamed around his fist as tears began to well up. Severus came back and quickly shoved a flask in his hand.

"Drink it all, it will numb the pain. I'll have more for you tomorrow. You will have to take it daily."

"How many doses can you make at once?"

"Two at most. It needs to be brew in a gold cauldron and I've only got a size one gold."

"So good Christmas gift then?" Harry asked with a pained smile. Severus rolled his eyes and tipped the flask up till Harry swallowed it all. Harry coughed a bit.

"Gods it tastes like ash and wax," Harry said raspily. Severus rolled his eyes.

"But it doesn't hurt anymore does it?"

"No… it feels great," Harry said as he looked down at his tattoo. Severus stared at it before he held Harry's arm at the wrist just below it and bushed a thumb over it.

"You needn't have done something so reckless for me, Harry." Severus murmured into Harry's ear. Harry turned his face around and up.

* * *

Damn, don't think about that night anymore. You'll blush again.

"Well, then how do you explain everything else! Your suspicious behavior for instance!"

"I'll admit I was more than a bit dumb." Honestly hasn't that been established. Harry Potter fucked up! Congratulations. You win a medal!

"Oh, this is getting us nowhere! I call for a recess. We'll come back in an hour or so." Oh great back to that stupid cell. when this is over I might organize my own fucking army. The army for the extermination of all ministry idiots!

"Alright alright. We'll resume at four o'clock. , kindly escort the accused to his cell" Oh so I'm the accused now?

Great...

* * *

AN: Well, its officially over I guess, I hope to get more done now that I'm finally over this slump.

shera98: Thank you so much. I'm glad people actually find it funny! I try so hard... щ(ಥ-ಥ)щ

Sheankelor: Well I have a strict no spoilers policy but I hope the ending will be just as funny.

JeanAndBilius: Thanks so much, you have no idea how happy I am that people actually find it funny.I've never written comedy before and it's been odd to say the least...

Thanks again to all the readers 3

keep on reading

-TTC


	3. Chapter 3

chapter 3

"Ah, . there you are." I was in a fucking holding cell! if I'm late it's your bloody fault!

"We'd like to continue now."

"Yeah, continue" This arse farse of a trial.

"Our next series of evidence comes from a variety of sources in the Gryffindor house who witnessed an… event." Seriously? An event? What is this?

"A report from one Miss H. Granger. detailing the incident on the nights of October 17, 25, 31 and November 1st." Oh that.

* * *

Hermione felt horrible for what she was doing, but if Harry was doing something dangerous she needed to know. And so she sat in the darkened corner of the common room after hours and waited. Just as Seamus had reported Harry crept down the stairs around midnight. He looked shaken and grim as he crossed the common room what she witnessed next both confused and frightened her. Halfway across the common room Harry stiffened and stumbled into the chair. He brought his left arm across his chest and clenched his jaw and fist before he relaxed and finished with the cloak before creeping out of the portrait. Hermione sat frozen for few minutes before she stepped out of her hiding place and stared after him worrying her lip and brow.

* * *

"This summons is clear, which incidentally corresponds with an attack on the village of Holben-Tane in Northumberland in which 17 witches and wizards and 348 muggles were killed. We are currently searching for proof that you were involved in this raid." WHAT! " I didn't even know about an attack! What happened? Was the order there? Was anyone hurt?" Fuck is that what happened to Emmeline?

"We'll be asking the questions if you don't mind. Miss Granger feared for your saftey. In fact, she posted several pleas for your life… really its one of the reasons you ahve a trial at all." On second thought Hermione your great! I take back everything I thought about you! "That being said, she agreed that the evidence was quite damming." Goddamn it Hermione! Can't you not be logical for two seconds! "She recounted several other summons as time went on… in fact until December she recounted that you were summoned almost every week. " What was you-know-who asking of you so fervently Potter?" For me to roll over and die I bet, not that I complied.

"I wasn't going to see Voldemort!" Really? Flinching? Really? "I was goign to see Professor Snape. And I wasn't being summoned dammit! It was an alergic reation!"

"In the exact same spot as the dark mark showing all the same symptoms? That is a little hard to belive Potter. Now, regarding the recount of the meeting on the charm hallway several hours after curfew between you and an unknown student on january 25th" Oh fuck… Oh god Hermione please say you didn't… Shit!

* * *

Hermione was staring down at the mauraders map helplessly. She felt just awful for taking it but she had to. She had to for harry's sake. So when Harry got up and left the common room at arround 1 am on that cold January night she got up and followed. Harry seemed to be heading down to the dungeons as he usually did when suddenly he doubled back. Hermione felt her heart beat in her chest, did he suspect her? Did he know someone was tailing him? Then she notices filch walking up the same corridor and sighed and skillfully cast a notice me not charm and let him stride staright past her. She waited and watched as Harry yet again moved from his hiding spot. They walked down the corridor to usual place, Snape's office. Hermione wasn't sure why Harry went there. They hated each other after all. Whatever was happening Harry always left a bit chipper. Hermione as first thought that Harry was on some kind of drug, but his withdrawl symptoms were too light for someone who apparently recieved a dose nearly every night. He left about an hour later. He didn't look as chipper as usual though. Instead he looked a bit angry. Hermione followed him until they arrived at the charm hallway. There was a hooded figure up ahead. He was only a few inches taller than Harry making Hermione certain he was a student. Despite her look of distaste she pulled out a pair of extendable ears and listened in

"And you're sure of this?" Harry asked in a clipped tone.

"Course." The student said with a shrug. Suddenly he was against the wall. Harry was pinning him by his shoulder.

"Now you listen to me! I have burned before I won't be again! Look into my eyes and tell me that what your saying is true! And don't bother trying to lie, I will know. My master has taught me well."

"It's true! I promise its true!" the student said in fright. Harry looked at him in the eye before he released him.

"Good. Now, if anyone finds out about this you won't just have me to deal with." Harry warned. The student nodded rapidly before he scampered off leaving Harry alone. "Fuck I should have said that" Harry cursed before he rubbed his temples. "Ugh I need another potion… Sev is gonna pissed" with that Harry slinked off. Hermione was too distrught to notice. She had run away long before the conversation was over. Shaking like a leaf she tried to logically absorb the fact that Harry Potter,

The savoir of the wizarding world

The boy who lived

The arch enemy of voldemort

Her best friend

Was a death eater.

* * *

"Threatening with you know who so proudly potter. How could you not be a death eater." Fuck Hermione, why couldn't you have just stayed in bed?

"Look, I know it sounds bad but its not! I swear! It all a huge missunderstanding!"

"Benson I've heard enough for today, It's late, and some of us have families to go to." Lucky you! Some of us only get holding cell food for the night!

* * *

What? Ugh its too late for this crap…

"Yeah…"

"Harry my boy… how are you?" The fuck is… this? Oh wow!

"Pro… Professor Dumbledore?" Damn, you have got to teach me that spell or mirage or glamor or whatever it is.

"One and the same Harry. I'm affraid im rather unpopular in the ministry right now, as are you." No shit sherlock. "Rest assured I am doing everything I can for you my dear boy."

"Thanks, professor, it's acctually not that bad all things considered, I expected more touture honestly…" Wow, that might be the dryest laugh I've ever heard come out of Dumbledore's mouth.

"Rest assured my boy, I'd never let anything so drastic happen." And there's that damn twinkle. But heck, if that twinkle saves my life I geuss I can live with it. "Also Harry… Professor Snape expressed his concerns… he… ah what was it he said? Oh yes. He feared this cell would reduce you to an even more useless brainless state. I took that of course as a suggestion and brought you a book on quidditch." Bless Severus and his gorgeous mind

"Tell him thanks, and that I'll be sure to show him just how mindless I am when I get back" In fact, I think this punishment is making me oh so rebellious, oh shit don't blush in front of Dumbledore.

"That's the spirit my boy, though I do wish you wouldn't wish to return only to spite Professor Snape." Not so much spite as lust professor but tomayto tomahto. "I hope you get to sleep soon Harry, you have a long day ahead of you I think"

you're telling me.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

A/N: There's a bit of Powerful!Harry in here… it's the subplot within the crack…

* * *

Ugh… why 8? Why not a few hours from now? It's too early for this crap.

" So kind of you to join us." Fuck you. "We'd like to continue"

"Knock yourself out."I not even gonna bother defending right now...

"Let us bring to attention the incident on February 17th" Oh fuck no… I can't even deny this one.

"Look okay! It wasn't what it looked like!"

"Lets review."

* * *

Harry walked into the great hall tired and crabby. He'd had a pretty terrible bout of nightmares last night and when he finally fell asleep without them he woke up from the pain in his arm. Luckily he'd gotten Severus his larger gold cauldron for Christmas as promised and so he had a few doses of his potion handy but it was still painful. Then an hour later he woke up from pain in his forehead. Voldemort, in fact, was in a particularly pissy mood today. It was still stinging a bit. And when that pain finally ended and he fell back asleep it seemed like as soon as he closed his eyes it was morning and time to get up. And so when he sat down with his usual squad he didn't notice the various exchanged looks. He felt like some buttery muffins today but just as he reached for the basket it was pulled out of his reach.

"Hey, Seamus mate can you pass the muffins?" Harry asked politely. Seamus didn't look up.

"Just get it yourself," he said in a clipped tone. Harry frowned.

"Seamus… it's right beside you." Harry said incredulously.

"Yeah well you've got arms." he parried.

"Dude… what the hell?" Harry asked in confusion.

"I'm not your slave," Seamus said. Harry stared at him in angry shock before he huffed and stood up and reached for the muffins. Just as he grabbed one Seamus grabbed his left sleeve. Suddenly something in Harry kicked into survival mode. He ripped his arm away and pushed his hand at Seamus. The Irish boy when flying into the Ravenclaw table as all the glass and china around Harry shattered in an explosion. Several people screamed and shielded their faces and heads as the glass rained down. Seamus sat up on the Ravenclaw table and stared at Harry not angry but scared. Harry looked around and realized that several students were standing and everyone was staring. Harry looked up at the staff table and saw that Dumbledore was standing. Most of the teachers looked worried. McGonagall was particularly drawn. Harry looked down at his hands in slight horror before he grabbed his bag and fled the great hall.

* * *

" You attacked a student. Quite violently in fact… what do you say in your defense." What the fuck do you want me to say… Seamus wouldn't even look me in the eye for the rest of the fucking year… "... moving on then. Two weeks after this initial incident there was a Quidditch match. Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. Several talent scouts were there… you were scouted by England weren't you ?"

"Yeah… probably won't take me now though… I didn't really want it anyway… not sure what I want to do with my life." Definitely don't want to work in this shit show.

"Evidently you aren't above selling your soul to a dark lord." How deaf are these people?

"For fucks sakes, I'm not a death eater!" Whoa… shit… I don't think I was supposed to be able to do that… shit, I hope these aren't too expensive… "Erm... I'll pay for replacements."

"Someone get a new pair of shackles please…" Whoa… that was one shaky order… a think he shit his pants...normally this would upset me but ya know what… I don't really care. "Now… let us review the match."

* * *

Harry sighed and rubbed his face a few times to calm his nerves. It was halftime and things were not looking good. Gryffindor was down fifty points and Harry's arm was starting to twinge a bit. Not only that but they had just lost their star beater. He needed to wrap this up and soon.

"Alright! You know what we need to do. Drive hard and keep them on the down. We trick em out alright?" Harry reminded as he and his team exited the Gryffindor change rooms. His replacement beater came over. She was a scrawny little redheaded third year with about as much skill with a bat as the freckle-less skin on her face. But in training, she had been the next best and with most of the team leaving this year Harry wanted to make sure the team was in a stable position. "What's your name?" he asked snappily

"M-mary Thorpkin s-sir," she said nervously. Then she fumbled and dropped the bat.

'Merlin help us' Harry prayed silently. "Alright! Brooms up!" he cried. With that, the team all flew up. Harry had to admit, what little skill Mary possessed with a bat she was a great flier and her small stature made her very maneuverable. 'Might make a good seeker actually.' that thought crossed his mind just as a glint of gold caught his eye. He grinned as he saw the tiny walnut flitter near the Ravenclaw crowd. He drove for it but his luck was not with him today as he realized because Malfoy had seen it just a second before him. He cursed and pushed harder. He and Draco were almost even when Harry extended his arm. Suddenly a bludger slammed into his arm just below the elbow. Harry cried out and almost collided with Draco as the snitch scattered away. Malfoy shouted a string of insults and curses at him but Harry was too busy blinking the pain and stars out of his eyes. Suddenly he saw the snitch hovering not fifty feet away. He shot off like a bullet startling Draco again. Harry stretched out his good arm, not noticing that the way in which he now cradled his right caused the sleeve his ride up passed his left wrist a few inches. Just as he felt the snitch in his hand a bright flash blinded him and he once again tried to blink away the stars before he slammed into the Ravenclaw stands. The whole crowd let out an 'Ooooh…' of sympathetic pain. Harry slowly rolled over onto his back, his head pounding before he lifted the snitch into the air. The Gryffindors gave a defining cheer and everyone applauded, save the Slytherins who shouted foul play. The team came rushing over. Mary was sobbing.

"I'm so sorry sir! I was trying to throw Malfoy off course! Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" The girl cried before she continued to sob loudly.

"Ugh… would you please stop shouting?" Harry said with a groan. Everything about him was in agony right now.

"Out of my way!" Pomphrey cried from the back of the growing crowd. They all parted for the matron and Harry sighed happily as she mended the bones in his arm with a flick of her wand and started handing him potions. Speaking of potions. Harry looked over towards the Slytherin stands and caught the eye of a tall dark man. The professor smirked and twitched a hand. Harry barely contained a huge grin. After all, he deserved a reward for being so good right? Well as it turned out Severus certainly agreed with him. And so for a single night, Harry was in bliss. For he was so naive and ignorant of the hell his life would turn into in just three days. The next morning's paper was the beginning of the end…

* * *

" The paper the next morning was almost like a tabloid article. For in the stands, a young photographer had caught a photo revealing the slightest edge of something on your arm." Fuck you, Kevin. You need a new hobby " None were quite sure what it was… but many had their fears. It would take something much more grave and revealing to finally prove without a doubt that you had taken the dark mark." Oh for fuck sakes!

"How many times do I have to say I'm not a death eater?! Jesus fucking Merlin! It's just a-"

"Save your lies!... we will take a short recess." Wash the shit out of your pants and take your head out of your ass while you're gone! "Perhaps we can finally bring this trial to a verdict upon return." Fuck you! Damn it I'm running out of witty comebacks… I need Sev…

Damn it I sound like a lovesick little twat...

* * *

A/N: Good golly gee wilikers this took too long... see my profile for a more thorough explanation of my absence and return. (kinda like Voldemort now that I think about it... huh...)

EvilAngelofHeavenandHell: I'm so glad its funny! you have no idea. I mean I laugh as I write it but I thought people might find it dumb!

Slytheringirl05: I am so sorry that this took so long.

anyways I'll see you next week with the final chapter and the climactic ending

-TTC


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Back in this fucking courtroom. I think I'm going mad. And I'm not even in Azkaban yet! Oh god, I'm going to Azkaban aren't I… No stop! You're innocent! You haven't done anything wrong!

"Let us continue. The very next day in the late hours of the evening there was a shocking event that shook your old friends to the core Potter, do you know the incidents to which I refer?" Fuck Hermione… What happened to your hate of going out after curfew?

"Look! It's not really what you think! Honest, it sounds bad but it really isn't!"

* * *

Harry walked down the hallways excited. Luna was the best! He was glad he could count her as a friend. Apparently, someone in Ravenclaw knew the spells for removing tattoos. So Harry arragened a meeting and when the time was right he skidded down to the history corridor.

"Potter."

"Susan?" Harry asked in shock. Susan Bones knew how to remove tattoos?

"Yeah, I know. it's cause of my older brother. He gets embaracing tattoo's all the time when he's drunk." Susan said with an annoyed flair. "By the way, I'm sorry to interupt your… fun," she said with a wink. Harry blushed crimson

"I dont… what are you… I mean."

"Potter… first of all, you've been going down to and coming from the dungeons all the time. You undress him with your eyes sometimes in broad daylight… in public! Honestly, you tend to follow him like a puppy… and uh…" she coughed and pointed at him. Harry frowned then looked down.

"Oh shit! " Harry said as he realized what he was wearing. "Fuck I picked up the wrong… look okay he got called away… it was a comfort fuck." he insisted.

"Yeah, too much information." Susan said with a grimace like a smirk before she reached into her bag "Here." she said holding a slip of paper out to him. "This is what you need." Harry quickly read in and grined.

"Thanks again, Susan. you're a true friend." Susan rolled her eyes then grinned.

"So Potter… is it true you like it rough? Like with whips and chains and stuff?" the boy blushed bright crimson.

"Look okay…" he scratched the back of his head then relented a bit "Whips yes chains no."

"OH!" Susan said with a wide grin.

"SHHH!" Harry cried out in annoyance "Do you want the whole bloody school down here?"

"Fair enough… but hey Harry… tell your master I said hi." she said with a grin. Harry blushed beet red again before he reached for his hood and lifted it a portion before he remembered:

"Probably shouldn't."

"Yeah probably for the best ya know," Susan said with another cheeky grin. "Wouldn't want to give all the ghost another heart attack."

"Nice to scare Filch to death though," Harry said with a thoughtful knuckle on his lip.

"Oi! Get back to your masters bed! He's not very patient." Susan said with a grin.

"Susan!" Harry said horrified before he turned around and ran off. The Ravenclaw blond laughed at his retreating figure.

"Who woulda thought Potter a whip loving fairy." Susan muttered under her breath before she walked away.

* * *

"Now we don't know how you blackmailed that poor girl into helping you. Amelia Bones was out for your blood when she saw this account.

"Where the fuck did you even get it?"

"There was a pair of gryffedors hiding under an dissolusment charm. they overheard the conversation in an alcove." oh for fuck-

"Let me geuss. Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger."

"The… yes actually. It was from those two…" Fuck Hermione.

* * *

"Jesus…" Ron said quietly once the pair found a quiet classroom.

"Oh god, Ron what are we going to go?"

"Since when was Harry gay?!" Ron suddenly blurted out.

"RON?! This is not the time! He's working for Voldemort for god's sake!" Hermione cried.

"Working?! God Hermione did you hear what he said?! He's Voldemort's fuck toy! Urp! Oh my god!" Ron dashed for a overturned wastebasket and emptied his stomach at the thought. Hermione patted his back with a grimace.

"I agree it's distasteful… but we have to stop him." Hermione said in a no-nonsense tone.

"We need to catch him somewhere he cant run." Ron agreed.

"Somewhere public." Hermione agreed.

"Actually… I have an idea." Ron said with a stony face. The next day the pair waited for Harry at the defense classroom door.

"Hey, guys!" Harry said with a grin.

"Harry… where were you last night?" Hermione asked with a worried not so fake front. harry grinned.

"Just had to clear up some buisness. things are finally looking up." Harry said. Thank Susan and bless her with long life one of the spells finally removed the curse he'd put on himself. He didn't need piles and piles of potion to keep pain at bay anymore! He felt alive and free again! That thought made his smiles slowly fade to a determined frown. He could do this for Severus. He clenched his left fist tightly as he coldly thought of how satisfying it would be to free Severus from that bastard. So wrapped up in his own thoughts he didn't notice the other two's exchange of slightly horrified looks. Finally, the door opened and their pasty new defense proffessor admited them.

"Please take out your wands." Professor Merrifoot said with a juxtaposed deep baritone voice. "Today we'll be duelling." Harry grinned at that. This day just kept getting better and better! He loved dueling! Merrifoot started going through the class picking partners. "Weasley and Potter. Weasley watch Potter's blocking charms, you could use improvement in that area. Finagin, remember, try not to blow anyone up. Alright… Begin!" the classroom was a flurry of spells. Harry made sure to use lots of blocking charms. Certainly, he fired spells to attack but he was an instructor at heart. After a bit, both he and Ron were slighty out of breath.

"Not bad mate. But try not to be so rigid." Harry said with a bumpb on Ron's shoulder.

"Like this?" Ron asked quietly before he flicked his wrist. Harry froze for a second then grinned.

"What? Is my hair purple now?" he lifted his arm to try and pull some hair into his face and froze. His left arm was bare and his tattoo was in open air. He slowly looked down and saw his left sleeve lying on the ground in two pieces, the victim of the seam splitting charm. He looked up at Ron, but he didn't look shocked or horrified as Harry had predicted. He looked angry. Harry barely opened his mouth to explain when Hermione arrived with two arrors.

"Oh fuck," Harry said quietly before he began to block the various curses they threw at him. Then Merrifoot fired a stunner and Harry, at last, was caught. Bound for the ministry while his classmates stared in shock at the fallen hero...

* * *

"So that brings us to your arrest… this is your account… though it is riddled with falsifications! You haven't even explained anything! When did you get the mark! What has the dark lord been instruction you to do! You have explained nothing potter!"

"Because it's not a dark mark! How long do I have to-"

"Enough! Edigrad! I say we just trial him and be done with it! There's enough evidence against him to give him Azkaban for life! Or the Dementor's Kiss! We're wasting our time! Who cares why Potter did it? What's done is done! Let/s just move on!" Let's not and say we did!

"If you just listen I can exlplain! This is all a huge misunderstanding! It's not a mark it's just a-"

"Harry James Potter you are hereby accused of being a death eater under the service of you know who, acting with the intentions to blackmail, and resisting arrest. All those opposed?" Great, no hands, what happened to my adoring public?! "And those in favor of life in Azkaban?" Huh… less hands then I thought their be "And those in favor of the Dementor's Kiss?" FUCK! "Harry James Potter, you are hereby scentenced to recive the-"

"WAIT!" Is that… Percy?

"What is the meaning of this? I demand to know what is going on."

"The warrant just came through. Albus Dumbledore gave us permission as Harry Potter's legal guardian to use verectiserum." Murmurs! Murmurs are good! Hey if Dumbledore gets me out of this I might just kiss him! ill also snog Severus… a lot… everywhere.

"Alright alright! We'll use the serum to confirm our evidence. Proceed ." ugh! severus you didn't warn me about how dry it left your mouth after drinking it straight… my tougne feels like sandpaper…

"Harry James Potter, are you a death eater?" Finally some justice.

"No."

"What?!"

"No that can't be possible!"

"What is the meaning of this?"

"Perhaps I rephrased the question. Are you working under the designs of the Dark Lord, You-Know-Who, He Who Shall Not Be Named, Tom Riddle or v… vo… Voldemort." Really… whispering… gods Hermione was right, this is dumb.

"No."

"Then what is that one your bloody arm!" Finally!

"It's a tattoo, sir. Of two snakes." Wow… they look pissed… ha! Now you know how it feels.

"You mean this whole thing was over a bloody tattoo?! Why do you even have a tattoo?!"…

Well shit.

"For my lover." Oh great… this is gonna end well.

"Who is your lover?"

…

Fuck.

The End

* * *

A/N: Damn… that took way to long… see my profile for an explination for this sudden boost of content i'm sure you've all noticed...

So here it is. The fifth and final chapter of this crazy wild ride! Sadly I'm taking a break from humor after this. It's not my forte after all. I prefer romance and family adventure.

Varisha01: I would definitely categorize this as a NSFW... just putting that out there.

EvilAngelofHeavenandHell: I hope you like the ending. it is left open for more but it'll be in another fic with probably just as long of a name and I won't be writing it until I've got less on my plate. that's for reading. also, please don't choke. the guilt would kill me

#canadian

Anyways I'm gonna go play video games to write a fic...

It makes more sense in context ;P

-TTC


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